it

it has caught me, ripping me apart 

somehow I knew from the start 

and still, I went forward 

hoping I could change a heart

I was stubborn going ahead

imagining I can better the bad

yet I've lost my head 

in the devious process instead 

I followed my ethics every day

thinking it was the right way

but it has caught me today

and I'm afraid I won't get away 

what a shame, what a shame 

my days are all the same

every one of them so lame

goes by as they came

I'm a prisoner of my own mind 

dragging my chains blind 

I left everything behind

even my fights have resigned 

my wings are broken 

my dreams stolen 

and floating around as an evil omen

the gates of hell await wide open

finally, now I can see

there's no lighting up with glee

no ever being free

as life has caught up on me 

sleep

the wolves were howling

and I was staring 

I don't even know how I got here

I fear

can't move forward can't move back 

trapped

I feel no hunger and no pain

there's only disdain

for everything and everyone 

vanity undone

petty lies

hopeless cries

only lust

and sheer distrust 

and the wolves were howling into the moon

they're gonna be here soon

drawn by the blood

dripping into the mud

I can't even remember how

but I'm here now

hung to a tree

seeing the wailing banshee

drown the sorrow

of tomorrow 

as a gross reminder 

she comes closer

she understands 

what I am

my only friend 

left in the end

as the wolves were howling 

I could feel them drooling

slowly on my skin

whispers screaming I'm here

the warmth of their breath

and their cold wrath

preparing for war

no more

no more roses or thorns

no more faking emotions 

no more useless progress

no more mess

so sleep

sleep, my darling, deep

through the night 

through the fight 

be the rainbow

sleep, my doe

lost romance

what a wonderful world

paradise lost

bff (me and loneliness )

the winds were howling covering it up

the silent screams over a hot cup

of wine burning slowly, steadily 

your lips endlessly

and I wish you would just

let me dwell in your sorrow for a second

lie in its roots flooded with lust

speak to your demon

and I'd never give up 

never give up

give up 

on you my doe 

dried up blood on a blade next to the cup

staring back at you with stainless love

and the cuts speak clearly, loudly

dripping constantly 

and I wish you would just 

take a deep breath with me

laced with angel dust

that sets us free

and I'd never ask why

never ask why

ask why

why my butterfly 

empty eyes gazing into the darkness

behind the dim light desolate sadness

pours into the night vainly, pointlessly

flickering recklessly 

and I wish you would just

share with me all the agony 

see me as someone you could trust

with your relentless despondency

and I'd never end

never end

end

your pain my friend 

shithole

bruises flooded with blood

numbness soaked in mud

deceit cloaked under

a carbon made bumper

running over 

every endeavour

the weigh of rusty promises

scraping against the flesh 

embedded in dusty lies 

so that even a tear cries

and a stench of sleaze

fueling the breeze

but hey, what do you know

I'm a fuckin flower, I grow

even under the rubble 

I won't crumble 

I know behind the clouds of smoke

and raging thunderstorm 

the sky's always blue

my paradise I've created anew

as the howling of wolves fade 

and hissing vultures group in a wake

all but distant murmur 

I sense the tremor

of many a relentless soul

in my shithole

muse

blindfolded as he was

thinking of what he had lost 

his love and obsession

his only possession 

his life and his death

his only breath

and here I am 

but a few clumsy strokes

and the desire he evokes

a goddamn 

reflection of what's inside

bleeding darkness - sacrifice 

beautiful perfection 

utter rejection 

a place to hide

from the world outside

and he stares back at me

expecting to be something else

than this deafening silence

on a killing spree

mister e

'Leila!' She heard him calling. 'Leila!' His voice was echoing over and over again. She knew it wasn't real. She knew it was just a trick her mind plays with her every now and then, but still she turned around hoping for a change. Nothing, except the oak trees hovering above the alley, like some giants. Their leaves were softly dancing in the morning breeze. She got carried away for a moment. That lively green around the slides and swings  mesmerized her. She closed her eyes and felt the wind touching her face, playing with her hair. Then it hit her like an arrow. Where were the birds? Suddenly that deadly silence took over her. All she could hear was her own heartbeat getting louder every second. She picked up her pace. 'You need to get home' she was telling herself, 'have a shower and all's gonna be fine'. It wasn't that easy though. Anxiety was literally choking her. She was fighting hard to get some air in her lungs. All the playground was spinning with her. She felt encaged like something was pulling her back. 'Leila!' She heard her name again. This time it was more intense. She could feel his footsteps behind her getting closer. She turned back but still nothing. She wanted to run but she found her feet weren't obeying her anymore. She fell on her knees. 'Leila!' It came from the inside. That hoarse voice ran through every cell of hers. 'Go away!' she started muttering. 'Go away! Go away! Go away! Go away! Go away!' It got louder each time till she was literally screaming. But still, the echo of his voice was a lot louder. She felt like her head was about to explode. The throbbing pain she felt was cutting its way through her every thought, till there was nothing left, except that overwhelming darkness. And she was falling into its abysmal maze. All her efforts to stop it were in vain. There was nothing to hang on to, nothing to slow her down at least. 'Leila!' - she heard her name again. Now, however, it was a soft child's voice. It can't be, she hadn't met him so early in her life. Or had she? 'Leila come, let me show it to you!' He took her hand. Her first instinct was to break free as she felt the icy touch to the marrow, yet her determination was stronger. 'You need to do this, girl', she encouraged herself. He dragged her to the tree house, up the ladder into the petite chamber. The boy was pointing towards something drawn or written on the wall. She couldn't make it out, as it was way too blurry and she was trembling, or more likely shivering with cold. Only when she saw her fingers turning blue she pulled her hand from his. The sudden movement made her stumble. 'Leila! My dearest Leila!' He turned around and she managed to catch a glimpse of his face before she fell again. It wasn't a boy's face, but a man's, just the way she remembered him: somewhat heavy but sensual cheeks, unshaven with a sloppy look, high, predatory nose, and those deep-set hazel eyes which were staring back at her. He had his lips slightly parted as if he wanted to kiss her,  but it was too late, she was already too far below with his voice reverberating in her head.

the dead don't speak

eyes wide open, frozen with fear

traces of tears running down the cheeks

smeared with blood and mud thrown in a mere

and they say the dead don't speak

wrists wide open, ropemarks right below

blackened as lying there for weeks

amidst the bruises with a shadowy glow

and they say the dead don't speak 

terrors wide open, curling up the bed

chewing, consuming the mind so weak

shards of shrieks and whispers in the head

and they say the dead don't speak 

broken soul

frightened little bunny hugging the wall

wrethed in shadows that crawl

all the way towards her deepest thoughts

eating her up from inside out

she hears them screeches whoop with joy

with her memories sweeping the floor

her future shattered into pieces 

lying around like some litter

their sarcasm in every breath

whispering screams in her head

and there's no need for a sword to stab her in the back

to bleed out her every regret

every of them woeful sorrow

nothing but a hollow echo

vividly flashing as a recurring refrain

as she ingests its visions of pain 

like some injured animal licking its wound

she craves for mommy's bloody womb

querulously whimpering for more

than there was heretofore 

spark

a hi

is all it takes to cast a smile

upon the walls of this crypt of mine

hidden under an ember seal

some bruises too stubborn to heal 

a smile

is all it takes to light a spark 

that coveted gleam of hope in the dark 

grows stronger every time

giving subliminal sense to the sublime 

a spark

is all it takes to dream again

even if deep down you know it's in vain

the night keeps weaving possibilities 

haphazard webs of fluttery fantasies 

a dream

is all it takes to lose control

of what's real and what's not at all

only to wake up in the cold

as a coarse joke to the world 

the infection

as silence broke in tears

echoing the wails of sorrow
the blazing sky overwhelmed by fears
is looking forward to no tomorrow
and my thoughts - sunken in the blue beneath
breathe

I slit my wrists open again
released the demon from its den
no more whispers no more shrieks
a final free fall from faith's cliff

and I walk this pier to loneliness

away from the mirage of boats fishing for my dreams

with every step recollecting less and less

far from the whirlpool of all those petty deeds

until I'm with nothing left 

except

that glimpse on the mouldy pages of a trifling life

planned to be glowing with pleasure and pride

a home filled with laughter 

and a happy ever after

all but forlorn hopes

of a corpse 

I slit my wrists open today

watched your light fade away

wither along with the smiles 

awaiting demise

and I turn around dragging them corroded shackles

remnants of a futile war melody

trapped in a circle bleeding out merciless miracles

loathsome infection - incurable malady
goddamn ramblings in a tormented mind of a stray

in decay

where does it end

the howling of the siren

in my head?

where does it end

the wheeze of death

filled with dread?

where does it end

the vanity of many a friend 

as things get bad?

where does it end?

does it end?

or am I doomed to be a ghastly ghoul

walking among these spiteful souls?

...

I slit my wrists open once again

screaming thy name - gone insane

mother, take my blood and let it fall

paint them red end them all