letter nr. 121

Dear Love,

I'm sorry I haven't written you since, you know, a while... I'm thinking of excuses now, but I can't really find any good ones. I haven't found the strength to. There, that might do... 

I'm still stranded on this isle of alone. There's nothing going on in here. The sun rises and it sets and rises again. And I... I just stand by and watch and stare. I stare into the nothingness of my existence till my tears and my blood dry on my skin. I don't even know what day it is. I lost count so long ago. I used to be so enraged screaming and hitting the walls till my knuckles showed, but now... now I don't even bother wiping anymore. I just stare... Sometimes I see things, hideous things coming alive. Frail bodies covered by wrinkled gray skin and a pair of glassy eyes staring right back at me from above some elongated sharp set of teeth. Others are huge, raggedy putrid flesh hanging out from their carcasses and their sockets that once used to hold some eyes. Yet they still stare... And there are those bodyless shadows moving swiftly around me but I can still catch a glimpse of their yellow glowing eyes. They all carry the stench of death. They all whisper, mumble words I can't comprehend, their gibberish getting louder and louder, yet still whispery. They don't scare me no more. They dwell in my head. I've stopped carving them out. They're my only friends now.

Anyways, it's good you're so far away from me. I'd probably kill you if you were near. I'd paint you red and stare right at you while you bleed out. I'd crush you over and over again until you're empty too. I'd suck every bit of life out of you, and drag you to my world of the living dead.

You see, that's the depth I'm floating in these days, and, yes, it's good you're not here, as I'm headed even deeper into this bottomless murk. The echoes of cries and wails would eventually fade. The howls would stop. Memories would merge into this gloom. Every reminder of life would dwindle into nothings. There's nothing left to see anymore. There's nothing left to feel anymore. Nothing to hold on to. Simply nothing. 

Fairwell,

Forver, 

Your Nobody 

deathwails

deep within the damp walls of darkness 

and putrid souls engraved with emptiness 

resides a frail shred life rife with hope 

patiently awaiting to evolve 

to emerge from long years fueled by terror 

helpless, worthless, numb, eaten by anger

hate

all this decay in the heart

break

every unbroken chain apart 

you can hang me upside down 

turn my rotten inside out

burn the flesh, tear the bones

throw at me my graveyard stones

you will fuckin make me stronger 

even when I am here no longer 

feed my demons with your hate

I'm your puppet to degrade 

humiliate all you want

make me bleed, make me gaunt

I won't fight your bloody war

there's nothing I much more abhor

the clock's ticking echoes drowned 

don't you dare make a sound

you're up next mute astound 

put your feet back on the ground 

play 

play the game 

there's no law

and there's no shame

have I gone now all insane

stop the torture, stop the pain

 

the flashing lights were too bright

the reek of death they couldn't hide

I have staggered, tried to breathe

felt the corpses underneath 

the safety's clicked - dead hollow 

followed by an eerie echo

this is it - no more fear

my only escape from here 

kill me once, kill me twice

in the end you'll pay the price 

the clock's ticking echoes drowned 

don't you dare make a sound

you're up next mute astound 

put your feet back on the ground 

play 

play the game 

there's no rule

and there's no name 

have I gone now all insane

stop the torture stop the pain

could be day or night I couldn't tell 

what carved my soul was a fast decay

yet the stench of life lingered in the air

among death wails and my deep dark dispair

and when I'm with nothing left

even of faint hope bereft

you will bear my wrath unfold 

my flaming fire stonecold

the clock's ticking echoes drowned 

don't you dare make a sound 

you're up next mute astound 

put your feet back on the ground 

play

play the game 

there's no right

and there's no aim

I have gone now all insane

fuck the torture fuck the pain

blue rabbit pt. 2

deep down at the bottom of a wrecked sea

creeping amongst the wailings of a banshee the blue rabbit wished he could hop

he wished the waves to lift him up

as his heavy heart weighed him down 

underground 

the path vanished underneath his feet

he has lain there collapsed in defeat 

ever since forever with his eyes open wide 

eaten away, waiting in vain for a dim ray of light 

but there's darkness everywhere around 

underground 

corpses fell, hit the floor with a heavy thud

silent screams drained of blood 

drained of life he has watched and watched 

the abysmal horror unfold above 

and he's found his dreams drowned

underground 

sun

my sun forgot to rise today

scorching darkness took its place

I can't see

I can't feel

I can't breathe 

I'm chocking on my thoughts 

lost

even words are dead

all gibberish in my head 

worms crawling up my bed

this must be the end

nothing comes through 

the chords of impenetrable blues 

sunken beyond the depth

emptiness on the edge

my sun forgot to rise today

paralysed parasites took its place 

I can't fly

I can't die

I can't cry

tears have dried inside out

shout

the sounds froze 

in my throat 

time stands still

I'm ill

no strength to kill

its will

I'm burning 

burning out slowly 

surely 

20 years after

here I am

once again 

disconnected from the world

playing the same lame chord

my throat is dry

I've got no more tears left to cry

no more hope to hope

I'm at the end of the rope

I feel my stomach in the mouth

about to vomit every uncouth 

thought of acidic suicide

and the numbness beside

the heart - it's racing 

its speed increasing 

my chest can't hold it anymore 

an abomination I abhor 

my shaky hands 

have lost their strength 

there's nothing left 

except the pest

nothing has changed 

I'm still estranged 

still all by myself 

my brain's a floating kelp

twenty years have passed 

I lived more or less

the dreams I had

still hurt bad

once again 

I stare into the rain 

wish for it to go away 

leave me one more day

it made it to fall

the ramshackle wall

it scattered the trash

filled in the gash

it shattered the glass on the floor 

the room came to a dreadful eyesore 

crimson stains everywhere 

stupefied fear in the air

yet I'm still here

to the end near

you know why

let me die

let me die