oblivion

did you know 

every single time I close my eyes 

I see life struggle to stay inside

them cold inert bodies 

I see calamities

fires scorching

razing the everything 

to the ground 

into the ashes astound 

lies the dessicated rainfall 

soaked in blood 

as it carves out the craving appetite 

for eternal night 

did you know

every single time I take a breath

I bathe in the Lethe

its ice cold strokes running all over

all the forgotten smoulder 

a faint memory 

of what it used to be 

yet still there

lying in the ashes 

burnt to dust

and yet it's not

all gone

one by one

did you know 

even though

I tell you now

there's nothing you truly know 

John Doe

did you know 

there's winter down below 

all wrapped in your snow 

the fire froze 

your hope glows

no more 

at my door 

and the nothing is right there

everywhere 

I gaze

into an empty space 

time stopped 

the brain's blocked

nugatory fuckedupedness

purposeless nothingness

death

is what's next

and yet 

living in your own net

there's nothing you know 

John Doe 

where I come from

there are no flowers bathing in the sun

fields of daisies and daffodils dead gone

there are no leaves dancing in the wind

no life breathing underneath

where I come 

from

there are no birds on wilted hedges chirping 

no neighbours to greet in the morning

there's no one to talk to

there's only you

where I come

from

the waterfalls are weeping no more

magical sceneries at the feet of their core

there's no love left in the air

no one to care

where I come 

from

there are no friends coming over

but silence ruling in each corner 

and there's nothing new

there's only you

walking among dessicated obituaries 

carved on the tombstones of memories 

having traces of our Shangri-la in a heart

torn countless times apart

in a heart made of ice cold stone 

without any home

where I come

from 

there's only you 

treasured desolated dementia 

blooming amongst the rotten wisteria 

and some shattered thoughts here and there

reminiscent of a reality far away

and the pouring rain is in vain 

on a dried out terrain 

no seeds can grow 

as love is lost forever more 

gone insane

it's been once, twice, three times, four 

and I can't, I can't take this anymore 

the heartbeats were thumping anxiously in my head

then there's the click, infernal silence, and finally the bang

the bullet went straight through my core

dispersing the flesh around it on the floor 

I hit the ground still breathing, still alive 

the smell of dirt forced its way inside 

and I was wheezing, choking on my blood

awaiting the end unbound 

I felt its moist warmth on my skin

then saw it blend into the earth under me

then the sirens were howling 

and the darkness was growing 

growing onto my soul 

and I was dead once more

it's been once, twice, three times, four 

and I can't, I can't take this anymore 

yet I woke up, brand as new

this time, this time too

just to start it all over 

back shot forgotten 

with new hopes, new lies, new promises 

of a love that never even existed 

it's been once, twice, three times,  four 

and I can't, I can't take this anymore 

awoken to be killed once again

it's insane 

stars

I'm neither here nor there

I wish I could be everywhere 

I wish I could fly

I wish I could die

I've lost track of time again

and again I see how worthless I am

I see vanity 

even in my own sanity 

there's nothing left to say

it's always the same day

every day

I'm  okay

I just...

I miss them nights

under the northern lights 

when I felt alive 

when the wolves were howling 

and the fire was burning 

burning away the emptiness 

as I enjoyed loneliness

I'm neither here nor there

I simply sit and stare

glare into the night 

until it turns to day - bright -

but my eyes - they see no light 

they only burn with spite

spite for love, spite for joy,

spite for the guise I wore

and there's nothing left to do

but to die and die anew 

I'm neither here nor there 

a redundant shell wasting the air

the craze is gone

and I'm all alone

I'm the residue of my life

playing with a knife 

three minutes if I'm strong enough 

an eternity if I'm not

and there's nothing left

I am bereft

of a soul 

I am the black hole

I'm neither here nor there

yet I wish I could care

about the stars on my sky 

as they fade away 

one by one

gone

the second day

the dawn screams whispers

as the needle still glisters 

ravenously

intrusively

endlessly

pumping anguish in the head 

shattered glass on the floor 

ripped off clothes and something more

crawling 

wheezing 

circling 

around like an affable carnivore 

crimson stains smudged all over

trembilg [no]bodies trapped in a corner 

immobilised

paralysed 

terrified 

as it comes closer and closer 

souls afire blazing with elation 

craving hell more of this sensation 

obsessive 

addictive

compulsive 

attempt to resist an alluring temptation 

and its breath burried the softest skin

bleeding, feeding on the evil within

smile 

cry

die

again and again my lovely sin

letter number 43

dear Love,

I thought I have finally found you, but you... you tricked me again. Another illusion. I don't even know why I still believe you're real. It's so obvious you're not. You're merely a dream, a sigh on my lips... and you will always stay that way. I know this, and yet you trick me every time. Every time you make me believe. You make me believe in you, love. And I,  I simply fall for you. Over and over again. I cannot even begin to tell you how you make me feel. There is so much going on inside me right now. You took my air away...It's so damn hard to catch it again. Part of me doesn't even want to... Anyways, I hate you for doing this to me. And I hate myself too for letting you. I feel weak, trembling like a fucking leaf in the breeze of summer morning. Yes, I'm angry too. I'm mostly angry at myself for letting myself believe in you again. I feel so goddamn stupid. I'm writing to an illusion,  a ghost of my past. I know I'm meant to stay alone, yet here you are haunting me, screwing with my head... I have to

                                                                                   .........

While writing this, Leila was sitting at her desk, the dim light of the lamp touching her skin as she finally let her head down and fell asleep. But the shadows around her were still approaching. She could feel them even with her teary eyes closed. They were just there, refusing to leave her side. And there were just too many to fit inside her. Now they somehow got out. They were always around her too. She could now see them. And they scare the shit out of her. She cannot live, but she cannot die either. Her childish attempts to get rid of her shadows are just ridiculous. She's trapped between these two worlds. The one that is around her, and the one that is inside her. But now her inside world is getting out. She cannot control it anymore. It has grown too much. Her desires need to take a shape. They cannot just roam inside that emptiness anymore.

blue rabbit

unwanted

sitting in the mud

waiting for a hug

waiting for someone 

even though it knows there really is none 

to laugh with

to cuddle with

to be with 

to love

if only

if only it wouldn't be so lonely 

thrown away

yet searching for a reason to stay

searching to share the darkness 

the useless uselessness

the emptiness

the mess 

if only 

if only she could feel mercy

but she passed by

chasing a butterfly

faded

nothing but an old cur

its once fluffy sleeky fur

now incredibly slimy

cloggy

sticky

all attached to teary bloody holes 

that used to be eyes closed

to dream of stupid hopes

stupid loves

friends with white doves

if only

if only there were any

flying by pronely 

anyhow 

there's nothing now

turned

blue with fear

feared the day would disappear 

together with him

and he'd be eaten by the grim

but anyhow 

there's nothing now 

dead desire

I watch them laugh 

I watch them play 

giggles of joy chime

the sweetest rhyme 

and I'm far away 

the silent suffering is scorching its way 

out from a frail rotten corpse 

of empty hopes

crazy heart 

pumping  blood

in vain

my veins dripping insane 

with a resounding thud

my smile fell in the dust

then peace and love followed 

one drop after another

reverberating as they hit the ground 

getting louder and louder

in my head 

I'm dead 

a prelude to mayhem

and I still watch them 

with empty eyes

-home to hushed cries-

as anxious what ifs whirl around 

a dark uncharted wound 

torn wide open

again

I watch them talk

I watch them hug

they're where they belong

but I'm not 

it must've been another life

an other time

now there's just this hiss

from the depth of an unfathomable abyss

calling me

charming me

fucking with my head

I'm dead

I watch them kiss

what a bliss 

I see them in red 

burning brightly ahead

but I am dead

dead

dead