letter number 43

dear Love,

I thought I have finally found you, but you... you tricked me again. Another illusion. I don't even know why I still believe you're real. It's so obvious you're not. You're merely a dream, a sigh on my lips... and you will always stay that way. I know this, and yet you trick me every time. Every time you make me believe. You make me believe in you, love. And I,  I simply fall for you. Over and over again. I cannot even begin to tell you how you make me feel. There is so much going on inside me right now. You took my air away...It's so damn hard to catch it again. Part of me doesn't even want to... Anyways, I hate you for doing this to me. And I hate myself too for letting you. I feel weak, trembling like a fucking leaf in the breeze of summer morning. Yes, I'm angry too. I'm mostly angry at myself for letting myself believe in you again. I feel so goddamn stupid. I'm writing to an illusion,  a ghost of my past. I know I'm meant to stay alone, yet here you are haunting me, screwing with my head... I have to

                                                                                   .........

While writing this, Leila was sitting at her desk, the dim light of the lamp touching her skin as she finally let her head down and fell asleep. But the shadows around her were still approaching. She could feel them even with her teary eyes closed. They were just there, refusing to leave her side. And there were just too many to fit inside her. Now they somehow got out. They were always around her too. She could now see them. And they scare the shit out of her. She cannot live, but she cannot die either. Her childish attempts to get rid of her shadows are just ridiculous. She's trapped between these two worlds. The one that is around her, and the one that is inside her. But now her inside world is getting out. She cannot control it anymore. It has grown too much. Her desires need to take a shape. They cannot just roam inside that emptiness anymore.

blue rabbit

unwanted

sitting in the mud

waiting for a hug

waiting for someone 

even though it knows there really is none 

to laugh with

to cuddle with

to be with 

to love

if only

if only it wouldn't be so lonely 

thrown away

yet searching for a reason to stay

searching to share the darkness 

the useless uselessness

the emptiness

the mess 

if only 

if only she could feel mercy

but she passed by

chasing a butterfly

faded

nothing but an old cur

its once fluffy sleeky fur

now incredibly slimy

cloggy

sticky

all attached to teary bloody holes 

that used to be eyes closed

to dream of stupid hopes

stupid loves

friends with white doves

if only

if only there were any

flying by pronely 

anyhow 

there's nothing now

turned

blue with fear

feared the day would disappear 

together with him

and he'd be eaten by the grim

but anyhow 

there's nothing now