She caught a whiff of a familiar fragrance the moment she
entered her room. So sweet, so much different from the pungent odour of alcohol
mixed with stale sweat. Her head was still rumbling from the deafening row of
the loudspeakers. It was still hard to hear her own thoughts. Her heart started
to get back to a normal rhythm as she felt that imaginary safety taking over
her whole being. She gently closed the door behind her trying to avoid the
squeaking sound, with no success, of course. A flashing image of her mother having
that disappointed look came across her mind. She never yelled at her, never beat
her, she just stood there with that stupid look on her face. She shook her head
violently chasing away that thought. She just didn’t want to think about the
consequences of her actions. She felt the wall looking for the switch. As she
flicked it the light flashed into her face making her close her eyes. It took a
couple of moments until she got used to the brightness. She headed towards the
bed, but suddenly she remembered that she wasn’t tired at all, so she decided
to go to the bathroom instead. She sat down in front of her make-up mirror and
started looking for her cotton ball to wipe her face clean. When she raised her
head some hazel deep-set eyes stared back at her. She focused hard to catch
some details of what was left of her morning make-up. To her surprise it wasn’t
smudged as badly as she thought. The traces of her eyeliner were still pitch
black highlighting the emptiness in her eyes, the bluish purple eyeshadow went
a little bit pale, but it was hardly noticeable behind those long black
eyelashes. The foundation on her cheeks seemed also intact. However, the
glossiness of her lipstick wore off leaving her full lips in their pure form.
Still, a perfect mask to hide behind. She gathered her locks in a ponytail and
started to wipe that mask away revealing her true self. She saw anxiety mixed
with anger and hatred staring back at her. She closed her eyes and counted to
ten, but when she opened them again those feelings just got worse. She was
wondering why she even tried it; it has never worked before, not once, not for
her. She could feel her heart pumping blood towards her brain, making her burn.
A constant shrieking sound replaced the music in her head bringing her on the
verge of exploding. The emotions kept overwhelming her. She was seething with
rage now and she didn’t even know why. She couldn’t just hold it back anymore,
she had to do something. She stripped her clothes off and hurried straight
under the shower. As she was trying to focus on the water she caught a glimpse
of the needle mark on her arm. Definitely visible, she thought. She’ll have to
explain it tomorrow. All she wanted to do was to scream. Just like a banshee.
That would have relieved that intense pressure inside her but she held it back.
She didn’t want to end up in a freak show again. The last thing she needed was
those curious eyes which would have certainly gathered around her penetrating
her private place. No, she didn’t want that. So she screamed inside what made
the stabbing pain in her head unbearable. She started staring at her back arm.
Surely it would fulfill her needs once again. Without realizing it she was scouting
the room for her purse. She found it right next to the chair leg. After some
rummaging she pulled out a ready to use syringe. She tightened her belt around
her arm, pulled it with her teeth and stuck the needle exactly in the small
wound made by the previous ones. At once the feeling of easiness took over her. The pain changed into a light constant
rhythm. She heard the waves of the ocean splashing against the rocks down below
her feet. The seagulls were squawking from time to time somewhere far away,
hiding from the driving rain. She just stood there on the edge staring at the
drops in the freezing water. That moment was the long expected alleviation. No
more frightening tomorrows, no more satisfactory reasoning, no more keeping up
appearances, no more hiding behind masks, no more pretending it’ll be fine one
day, no more concealed tears, no more humdrum living, no more…just the sound of
the drops hitting the water…
to think is free