never good enough

I'm tired of being me

of ripping the skin off my bones

like a scared little puppy

trapped in a corner all alone

helpless 

worthless 

always shaking 

always breaking 

afraid to speak up

I'm never good enough

never enough 

I'm tired of the makeup

of gloves and long sleeves

of the voices that won't shut up

I live in a web of endless deceits

tearless

breathless

always bleeding 

always running

afraid to stop

I'm never good enough 

never enough

I'm tired of being tired

dead empty all the time 

to the darkness hardwired 

a ruined wreck - I'm fine 

soulless 

aimless 

always hurting 

always dying

afraid to break off

I'm never good enough 

never enough 

underneath

no one will ever know what's underneath

the smile carved onto my cheeks

sometimes I barely breathe 

fighting to hold back the tears

always focus to slow the pulse

to keep the darkness inside

I've come to live with this curse

there's no point to fight

the demons that are loose 

roaming around like parasites

and I clutch the invisible noose

tight as hell - I close my eyes

the whispering screams

pounding to break free

I'm sick of these daydreams

I wish they would just kill me

no one will ever hurt the way I 

hurt myself - I isolate

icy thorns reaching up high

lost in the limbs of my own suicide

embrace

how do I set my thoughts on fire

and watch them dance on the sky

how do I unfeel a dreadful desire

of ever wanting to die

die by choking, die by bleeding 

die as I am a miserable mistake

never enough - always weeping 

over some trite heartache 

ache is my new best friend 

bound together now and hereafter 

till all my hopes meet an end 

and my insanity bursts in laughter 

laughter's all behind my back 

how could I be so naive 

again to fall to the same trap

yet I still believe - I believe 

I buy my own flowers

I savour my tears

for hours and hours

I bathe in my fears

I believe in the whispers of shadows

thriving ferociously in my head 

building higher, thicker walls of prisons

so lonely wishing I was dead

dead as every goddamn dream

suicide's my only escape 

the only unshackled lightbeam

delightfully numbing embrace

I buy my own flowers 

I savour my tears

I live with my monsters'

delightfully numbing embrace 

nervous breakdown

8:11 p.m.

light a cigarette 

fasten the tourniquet 

shh... 

listen

to the smoke whisper

fairytales long forgotten 

fill your head with childish fantasies

listen

to the cry of a guitar 

writhing your soul out

loosen up your heartbeat packed with anxieties 

11:46 p.m.

breathe

breathe out the stones

holding you down 

break the chains of your unconscious memories 

tremble

watch it flood with red

dripping

tripping into a smile

hysterically laugh at your foolish insecurities 

it'll heal

it's not too deep 

it's cold

so damn cold 

it's running through

I'm shivering

shaking

breaking into pieces 

yet filling my head with poisonous positivities

it'll heal

it's not too deep 

2:17 a.m.

sleep 

stop them chords

they're so loud 

shake it off, think of other remedies 

sleep

the sky is pink

sink deeper within

the bomb went off - stop counting casualties 

all is dead

in the end

3:08 a.m. 

close the windows 

lock the doors 

shut them out

everything, everyone, all living-creeping realities

4:29 a.m.

tick-tock

the clock's ticking 

stamping in your head centrifugal anomalies 

tick-tock 

tick-tock 

tick-tock 

stop

make it stop 

find them, throw them out, them damn disturbances 

stop

they're not real 

that putrefied air in your lungs made you lose your faculties

scream 

let all out 

shut them down, drown in tears, forget all the stupidities

6:42

smile 

wake up 

smile 

wipe it clean

time for brand new fuckeries