do it now

caught up in what they call life

fake fallacies, fucked up paradise

dressed up as light lies

lies etched deep into lullabies

'you're fine'

'it gets better'

'just give it time'

smile 

leave it all behind 

one step into the dark - eyes blind

(and the willows whisper)

do it 

do it now

is it day, is it night

so damn tired to fight

caught between 

the glimmering sound of neon light

and a sun that never sets just right

caught within 

'pain is growth'

'you're not alone'

'love is real'

'there is home'

yet love's nothing but a contract

way too frigid, too abstract   

loneliness sings in bones

a journey into the catacombs 

of my mind 

love is nothing 

and the mirrors grin while mouths decay

hysteric breakdown on the way

smile

lock the scream inside

one more step - dark eyes blind 

(and the winds whisper)

do it 

do it 

do it now

shadows writhe beneath the ground 

shhh, don't you dare make a sound 

'work hard'

'be kind'

'you'll rise'

yet ladders are made of smoke

unhinged struggle not to choke

betrayal is what I inhale

no more cards left to play

as the clocks bleed backwards today

smile

do not cry, do not hide

bathe in shadows' dark eyes blind

(and the voices whisper)

do it

do it

do it now

pull the trigger 

do it now

something breaks from deep within

not like glass, but thick as sin

a dam of static cold and wide

cracks beneath the cage inside

not a scream — no sound, no breath

just an humming hush of death

a floodless flood, a blackened tide

where ghosts of my life reside

a spill of selves, let loose, set free,
all versions I once pretended to be

the child who dreamed

the lover who begged

the worker who smiled on command

the daughter who disobeyed 

the mother who yet stayed

the loser who weeped

the painter who bled

the witch who beguiled 

the killer who craved suicide 

gone

melted in the voltage of too much silence

and blood stained innocence

my hands shake but don't feel a thing

my chest is full with echoes howling 

cold steel wrapped in velvet vows

there's only my darkness that shows

(and the wraiths whisper)

do it

do it

do it now

pull the trigger

do it now

maybe

If I were the rocks at her feet

Holding her ground when it's too shaky

When she had seen too much of the world's deceit

When she feels her homeless heart breakin'

If I were the soil underneath 

Nourishing her desiccated roots

When she's struggling to breathe 

Under the weight of life's boots 

If I were the sun lighting up her way

In her darkest hours of her darkest thoughts

Warming her pretty pettels so frail

To give her the comfort she sought

If I were her wind to carry her voice 

The cool breeze above her tormented soul

To grant her wistful wish to rejoice

Once more to feel seamlessly whole

If I were the rain to soothe her thirst

To help her grow out of her shell

To show her love, to be the first

To walk her past this horrid hell

If I were her everlasting everything

Maybe then she would bloom 

Again with delicate sparkling

For her passionate perfume

tonight

tonight the stars twinkle no more

as my moon bleeds down the sky

there's no thing left fighting for

no thing to wipe my eyes dry

the lurking darkness inside 

spread its hollow limbs all over

a heart that relentlessly sighed

beseeching some closure

tonight I disappear 

into the thin air

tonight I fear 

no more the flare

of dread and pain 

tonight desolation is my friend 

silently pacing by my side

until I find my endless end

with my broken pieces collide

tonight I disappear 

into the thin air

tonight I fear 

no more the flare

of dread and pain

I'm drained 

storm

I'm caught up in this storm

on my way home 

it's pouring down my tears 

flooding my eyes for years 

years of constant fears

shriek of terror in my ears 

and the anxiety that  crawls in

all over my decayed skin

I'ma carve it out

there's no doubt 

I just need to cut deep

enough - I'm a creep 

a few more steps up the ridge

no more pain in this glitch

I'm living day by day

my fix is on the way

thunders roar

down the shore 

from crimson clouds 

numbing shouts

of my crimson thoughts

chocking knots

as I walk, walk alone

on my way home 

nightingales

I carved your name in the stone at my feet 

looking down at the edge of our cliff

where the nightsky's on fire

and our souls rife with the desire

to touch once more

love scattered on the floor 

and the nightingales sing

oh, what horrors they bring 

what horrors they bring 

trauma resurfacing

voices howling 

monsters crawling 

my tears falling in the dirt of what it used to be 

our heaven, our home echoing of our shivaree

my air is getting tight, I feel the walls cave in

my darkest thoughts next to empty bottles of gin

ravel looking down a bottomless abyss

filled with the sweetest suicidal bliss

and the nightingales sing

oh, what horrors they bring 

what horrors they bring 

words cutting 

blades smiling

blood shining 

my memories unfolding a distorted reality

of the ghost of you  -  I'm losing my sanity 

I'm breaking, I'm killing myself 

buried, burning up slowly in the depth

of my mind's numbing cold cage

I've reached my life's very last page

and the nightingales sing 

oh, what horrors they bring 

what horrors they bring

... 

I carved your name deep in my skin

together with the horrors it holds within

never good enough

I'm tired of being me

of ripping the skin off my bones

like a scared little puppy

trapped in a corner all alone

helpless 

worthless 

always shaking 

always breaking 

afraid to speak up

I'm never good enough

never enough 

I'm tired of the makeup

of gloves and long sleeves

of the voices that won't shut up

I live in a web of endless deceits

tearless

breathless

always bleeding 

always running

afraid to stop

I'm never good enough 

never enough

I'm tired of being tired

dead empty all the time 

to the darkness hardwired 

a ruined wreck - I'm fine 

soulless 

aimless 

always hurting 

always dying

afraid to break off

I'm never good enough 

never enough 

underneath

no one will ever know what's underneath

the smile carved onto my cheeks

sometimes I barely breathe 

fighting to hold back the tears

always focus to slow the pulse

to keep the darkness inside

I've come to live with this curse

there's no point to fight

the demons that are loose 

roaming around like parasites

and I clutch the invisible noose

tight as hell - I close my eyes

the whispering screams

pounding to break free

I'm sick of these daydreams

I wish they would just kill me

no one will ever hurt the way I 

hurt myself - I isolate

icy thorns reaching up high

lost in the limbs of my own suicide

embrace

how do I set my thoughts on fire

and watch them dance on the sky

how do I unfeel a dreadful desire

of ever wanting to die

die by choking, die by bleeding 

die as I am a miserable mistake

never enough - always weeping 

over some trite heartache 

ache is my new best friend 

bound together now and hereafter 

till all my hopes meet an end 

and my insanity bursts in laughter 

laughter's all behind my back 

how could I be so naive 

again to fall to the same trap

yet I still believe - I believe 

I buy my own flowers

I savour my tears

for hours and hours

I bathe in my fears

I believe in the whispers of shadows

thriving ferociously in my head 

building higher, thicker walls of prisons

so lonely wishing I was dead

dead as every goddamn dream

suicide's my only escape 

the only unshackled lightbeam

delightfully numbing embrace

I buy my own flowers 

I savour my tears

I live with my monsters'

delightfully numbing embrace 

nervous breakdown

8:11 p.m.

light a cigarette 

fasten the tourniquet 

shh... 

listen

to the smoke whisper

fairytales long forgotten 

fill your head with childish fantasies

listen

to the cry of a guitar 

writhing your soul out

loosen up your heartbeat packed with anxieties 

11:46 p.m.

breathe

breathe out the stones

holding you down 

break the chains of your unconscious memories 

tremble

watch it flood with red

dripping

tripping into a smile

hysterically laugh at your foolish insecurities 

it'll heal

it's not too deep 

it's cold

so damn cold 

it's running through

I'm shivering

shaking

breaking into pieces 

yet filling my head with poisonous positivities

it'll heal

it's not too deep 

2:17 a.m.

sleep 

stop them chords

they're so loud 

shake it off, think of other remedies 

sleep

the sky is pink

sink deeper within

the bomb went off - stop counting casualties 

all is dead

in the end

3:08 a.m. 

close the windows 

lock the doors 

shut them out

everything, everyone, all living-creeping realities

4:29 a.m.

tick-tock

the clock's ticking 

stamping in your head centrifugal anomalies 

tick-tock 

tick-tock 

tick-tock 

stop

make it stop 

find them, throw them out, them damn disturbances 

stop

they're not real 

that putrefied air in your lungs made you lose your faculties

scream 

let all out 

shut them down, drown in tears, forget all the stupidities

6:42

smile 

wake up 

smile 

wipe it clean

time for brand new fuckeries

letter nr. 121

Dear Love,

I'm sorry I haven't written you since, you know, a while... I'm thinking of excuses now, but I can't really find any good ones. I haven't found the strength to. There, that might do... 

I'm still stranded on this isle of alone. There's nothing going on in here. The sun rises and it sets and rises again. And I... I just stand by and watch and stare. I stare into the nothingness of my existence till my tears and my blood dry on my skin. I don't even know what day it is. I lost count so long ago. I used to be so enraged screaming and hitting the walls till my knuckles showed, but now... now I don't even bother wiping anymore. I just stare... Sometimes I see things, hideous things coming alive. Frail bodies covered by wrinkled gray skin and a pair of glassy eyes staring right back at me from above some elongated sharp set of teeth. Others are huge, raggedy putrid flesh hanging out from their carcasses and their sockets that once used to hold some eyes. Yet they still stare... And there are those bodyless shadows moving swiftly around me but I can still catch a glimpse of their yellow glowing eyes. They all carry the stench of death. They all whisper, mumble words I can't comprehend, their gibberish getting louder and louder, yet still whispery. They don't scare me no more. They dwell in my head. I've stopped carving them out. They're my only friends now.

Anyways, it's good you're so far away from me. I'd probably kill you if you were near. I'd paint you red and stare right at you while you bleed out. I'd crush you over and over again until you're empty too. I'd suck every bit of life out of you, and drag you to my world of the living dead.

You see, that's the depth I'm floating in these days, and, yes, it's good you're not here, as I'm headed even deeper into this bottomless murk. The echoes of cries and wails would eventually fade. The howls would stop. Memories would merge into this gloom. Every reminder of life would dwindle into nothings. There's nothing left to see anymore. There's nothing left to feel anymore. Nothing to hold on to. Simply nothing. 

Fairwell,

Forver, 

Your Nobody 

deathwails

deep within the damp walls of darkness 

and putrid souls engraved with emptiness 

resides a frail shred life rife with hope 

patiently awaiting to evolve 

to emerge from long years fueled by terror 

helpless, worthless, numb, eaten by anger

hate

all this decay in the heart

break

every unbroken chain apart 

you can hang me upside down 

turn my rotten inside out

burn the flesh, tear the bones

throw at me my graveyard stones

you will fuckin make me stronger 

even when I am here no longer 

feed my demons with your hate

I'm your puppet to degrade 

humiliate all you want

make me bleed, make me gaunt

I won't fight your bloody war

there's nothing I much more abhor

the clock's ticking echoes drowned 

don't you dare make a sound

you're up next mute astound 

put your feet back on the ground 

play 

play the game 

there's no law

and there's no shame

have I gone now all insane

stop the torture, stop the pain

 

the flashing lights were too bright

the reek of death they couldn't hide

I have staggered, tried to breathe

felt the corpses underneath 

the safety's clicked - dead hollow 

followed by an eerie echo

this is it - no more fear

my only escape from here 

kill me once, kill me twice

in the end you'll pay the price 

the clock's ticking echoes drowned 

don't you dare make a sound

you're up next mute astound 

put your feet back on the ground 

play 

play the game 

there's no rule

and there's no name 

have I gone now all insane

stop the torture stop the pain

could be day or night I couldn't tell 

what carved my soul was a fast decay

yet the stench of life lingered in the air

among death wails and my deep dark dispair

and when I'm with nothing left

even of faint hope bereft

you will bear my wrath unfold 

my flaming fire stonecold

the clock's ticking echoes drowned 

don't you dare make a sound 

you're up next mute astound 

put your feet back on the ground 

play

play the game 

there's no right

and there's no aim

I have gone now all insane

fuck the torture fuck the pain

blue rabbit pt. 2

deep down at the bottom of a wrecked sea

creeping amongst the wailings of a banshee the blue rabbit wished he could hop

he wished the waves to lift him up

as his heavy heart weighed him down 

underground 

the path vanished underneath his feet

he has lain there collapsed in defeat 

ever since forever with his eyes open wide 

eaten away, waiting in vain for a dim ray of light 

but there's darkness everywhere around 

underground 

corpses fell, hit the floor with a heavy thud

silent screams drained of blood 

drained of life he has watched and watched 

the abysmal horror unfold above 

and he's found his dreams drowned

underground 

sun

my sun forgot to rise today

scorching darkness took its place

I can't see

I can't feel

I can't breathe 

I'm chocking on my thoughts 

lost

even words are dead

all gibberish in my head 

worms crawling up my bed

this must be the end

nothing comes through 

the chords of impenetrable blues 

sunken beyond the depth

emptiness on the edge

my sun forgot to rise today

paralysed parasites took its place 

I can't fly

I can't die

I can't cry

tears have dried inside out

shout

the sounds froze 

in my throat 

time stands still

I'm ill

no strength to kill

its will

I'm burning 

burning out slowly 

surely 

20 years after

here I am

once again 

disconnected from the world

playing the same lame chord

my throat is dry

I've got no more tears left to cry

no more hope to hope

I'm at the end of the rope

I feel my stomach in the mouth

about to vomit every uncouth 

thought of acidic suicide

and the numbness beside

the heart - it's racing 

its speed increasing 

my chest can't hold it anymore 

an abomination I abhor 

my shaky hands 

have lost their strength 

there's nothing left 

except the pest

nothing has changed 

I'm still estranged 

still all by myself 

my brain's a floating kelp

twenty years have passed 

I lived more or less

the dreams I had

still hurt bad

once again 

I stare into the rain 

wish for it to go away 

leave me one more day

it made it to fall

the ramshackle wall

it scattered the trash

filled in the gash

it shattered the glass on the floor 

the room came to a dreadful eyesore 

crimson stains everywhere 

stupefied fear in the air

yet I'm still here

to the end near

you know why

let me die

let me die

alone

I thought you were him

the dream in my dream 

the yearn from the hole

that soothes my soul 

I thought you were here

holding me dear

hand in hand

until the end

it's all in my head

my dream is dead

my door is screeching

my floor is creaking 

the silence's screaming

you are not alone

all on your own 

it's all in my head

my dream is dead  

you tricked me again 

but I am to blame 

I've let it happen 

and now I'm broken 

I'm drifting away

no reason to stay

in this shitpit of life

no longer alive

it's all in my head 

my dream is dead 

my world is shaking 

my strength is breaking 

the silence's howling 

you are not alone 

all on your own 

it's all in my head 

my dream is dead 

the pain is all gone

my lungs are now numb

I choke on the air

obnoxious affair 

the darkness glistens

none's there to listen 

the angels aren't there

the demons don't care

my heart is bleeding 

my self is dying

my silence's roaring 

I am alone

all on my own 

idibera

beautiful beeing

one of a kind 

cursed with the gift of seeing 

even though she was blind

braided golden hair locks 

fell on her pale shoulders 

her blue gaze like the hawk's 

never revealed to others

she walked this earth 

knowing the future

yet she gave birth

to this peerless culture

she taught them 

to read and to write 

only to cause mayhem

in the turning of twilight 

she's still watching

from somewhere afar

what life is like living 

trapped in a jar

sunlit

I stared into those glassy eyes 

and I cried cried cried

my tears dripping right inside 

wishing to make them alive 

even for a single second 

I craved to fill the emptiness 

to find the missing bond

feel less of the mess

then I closed them lids

as if sleeping they would say

but they felt heavy amidst

this forsaken sunlit day

I heard chatter from afar

gibberish and some laughter 

I could not make sense at all

of this forever after

they lowered the coffin 

deep into the ground 

the thuds filled it to the brim

a soul never to be found

yet I still see them glassy eyes 

and I cried cried cried 

dried up tears and sweet lies 

as on that sunlit day I too died

oblivion

did you know 

every single time I close my eyes 

I see life struggle to stay inside

them cold inert bodies 

I see calamities

fires scorching

razing the everything 

to the ground 

into the ashes astound 

lies the dessicated rainfall 

soaked in blood 

as it carves out the craving appetite 

for eternal night 

did you know

every single time I take a breath

I bathe in the Lethe

its ice cold strokes running all over

all the forgotten smoulder 

a faint memory 

of what it used to be 

yet still there

lying in the ashes 

burnt to dust

and yet it's not

all gone

one by one

did you know 

even though

I tell you now

there's nothing you truly know 

John Doe

did you know 

there's winter down below 

all wrapped in your snow 

the fire froze 

your hope glows

no more 

at my door 

and the nothing is right there

everywhere 

I gaze

into an empty space 

time stopped 

the brain's blocked

nugatory fuckedupedness

purposeless nothingness

death

is what's next

and yet 

living in your own net

there's nothing you know 

John Doe 

where I come from

there are no flowers bathing in the sun

fields of daisies and daffodils dead gone

there are no leaves dancing in the wind

no life breathing underneath

where I come 

from

there are no birds on wilted hedges chirping 

no neighbours to greet in the morning

there's no one to talk to

there's only you

where I come

from

the waterfalls are weeping no more

magical sceneries at the feet of their core

there's no love left in the air

no one to care

where I come 

from

there are no friends coming over

but silence ruling in each corner 

and there's nothing new

there's only you

walking among dessicated obituaries 

carved on the tombstones of memories 

having traces of our Shangri-la in a heart

torn countless times apart

in a heart made of ice cold stone 

without any home

where I come

from 

there's only you 

treasured desolated dementia 

blooming amongst the rotten wisteria 

and some shattered thoughts here and there

reminiscent of a reality far away

and the pouring rain is in vain 

on a dried out terrain 

no seeds can grow 

as love is lost forever more 

gone insane

it's been once, twice, three times, four 

and I can't, I can't take this anymore 

the heartbeats were thumping anxiously in my head

then there's the click, infernal silence, and finally the bang

the bullet went straight through my core

dispersing the flesh around it on the floor 

I hit the ground still breathing, still alive 

the smell of dirt forced its way inside 

and I was wheezing, choking on my blood

awaiting the end unbound 

I felt its moist warmth on my skin

then saw it blend into the earth under me

then the sirens were howling 

and the darkness was growing 

growing onto my soul 

and I was dead once more

it's been once, twice, three times, four 

and I can't, I can't take this anymore 

yet I woke up, brand as new

this time, this time too

just to start it all over 

back shot forgotten 

with new hopes, new lies, new promises 

of a love that never even existed 

it's been once, twice, three times,  four 

and I can't, I can't take this anymore 

awoken to be killed once again

it's insane